KLINGON GUIDE
To Writing Perfect Code
New July 28, 2000

The 12 most common statements you are likely to hear from a Klingon programmer:

Number 12: “Specifications are for the weak and timid!”

Number 11: “This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!”

Number 10: “You cannot begin to appreciate Dilbert unless you have read it in the original Klingon!”

Number 9: “Indentation?! I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!”

Number 8: “What is this talk of ‘release’? Klingons do not ‘release’ software. We uncage our software, letting it leave a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.”

Number 7: “Klingon function calls do not have ‘parameters.’ They have ‘arguments’ . . . and they ALWAYS WIN THEM!”

Number 6: “Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.”

Number 5: “I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not trouble us again.”

Number 4: “A TRUE Klingon programmer does not comment his code!”

Number 3: “By filing this PTR you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!”

Number 2: “You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!”

Number 1: “Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!”

— Anonymous Internet Bard