Bud Abbot & Lou Costello:
WINDOWS SHUTDOWN ISSUES
New May 5, 2001

Costello: I got myself a fancy new computer with Win98.

Abbot: That’s terrific, Lou.

Costello: But I don’t know what any of it means!!

Abbot: You will in time.

Costello: That’s exactly why I am here to see you.

Abbot: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.

Abbot: Well, I don’t know—

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you’re going to train me.

Abbot: Really?

Costello: Uh-huh. And I am here for my first lesson.

Abbot: OK, Lou. What do want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.

Abbot: That’s true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?

Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then—

Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.

Abbot: I know, you press the Start button—

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.

Abbot: I did.

Costello: When?

Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?

Abbot: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop.

Abbot: Well Start doesn’t actually stop the computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.

Abbot: Start

Costello: Start what?

Abbot: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?

Abbot: Shut down.

Costello: You don’t have to get rude!

Abbot: No, no, no! That’s not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.

Abbot: To shut down the computer, press—

Costello: Don’t say, “Start!”

Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button, even the Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.

Abbot: But that’s what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.

Abbot: Don’t be ridiculous.

Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it’s about time we started this conversion.

Abbot: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.